


I Wish You Could Be Honest With Me

by overkill_max



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christian and hella gay, Crisis of Faith, F/F, Hidden Relationship, Lena Luthor Gets a Hug, Lena finally has a good family, Luthors are not evil
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-08
Updated: 2019-07-17
Packaged: 2019-10-06 17:01:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17349104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/overkill_max/pseuds/overkill_max
Summary: Lena Luthor thought she would always stay closeted and miserable. She wanted to use her voice to praise Jesus ever since she was a little girl and her father passed away. Now, at 18, she's at a crossroads. She met the woman of her dreams but in order to live her dream she must deny her true self. Can she ever reconcile her Christian Faith with her sexuality? Or will she lose the one chance she has to be truly happy?OrThe Christian singer AU





	1. Before the Beginning

**Lena Luthor: On Coming Out, Reconciling Her Christian Faith with Her Sexuality and What She’s Been Up to Since She Left the Spotlight Years Ago**

By Clark Kent

 

When Lena Luthor sits down for coffee and sticky buns at Noonan’s, a National City staple, she looks nervous and slightly out of place. Given that she’s been living on the west coast for over a decade, it’s surprising to hear that signature drawl tripping out of her mouth as if she had stepped off the plane from Nashville. She laughs when I tell her that she still sounds like she’s from Tennessee. “Do I really?” she asks with humor in her voice.

**Disappearing from the Music Scene**

In May 2004, Lena, now 33, walked away from her career as a Christian singer-songwriter. One that spanned 7 years, millions of records sold, and multiple Dove awards won [ _the Christian version of the Grammy’s for those unfamiliar with the GMA Dove Award_ ]. There were rumors circulating this abrupt departure. It had happened when her start was shining brightest in the gospel genre.

Leaving fans speculating as to why she would choose to retire when she was on top of the world. Most of them thought it was related to the highly publicized jury trial of brother, Lex Luthor, who was indicted on charges ranging from conspiracy, obstruction of justice, making false statements to federal investigators and insider trading and embezzling. However, Luthor was sentenced in June 2004 to serve a six-month sentence in a federal correction facility and a two-year period of supervised release [ _to include five months of electronic monitoring_ ]. Proving that both events were unrelated.

“I know what people think, of my brother and of my family…” She pauses and looks away. Squinting at the setting sun as she tries to find the right words. “Lex is a flawed human being, but he never faltered as a brother. He, just like my mother, never stopped supporting me. And in turn, I always stood by his side, even when he was wrong... so, to answer your question, no, I didn’t quit because my brother’s a crook and I was in on the take or whatever people say about me.”

**Why She Quit**

“I quit the music business because I had to live my truth. I fell in love and after four years of being together I was ready to start a family. But in order to do that, I had to leave the industry.”

“And you’re sure you had to leave?” I ask, pointing out that a lot of Christian singers bring their husbands or wives on tour with them. They say that it strengthens their faith as well as their family bonds.

Lena shakes her head and looks down at her coffee. “No. I’m gay.” Such a simple statement is so powerful and unexpected that I took an audible breath. I, just like the rest of the world, had no idea that Lena Luthor was a lesbian. This is why she had to give up her career as an internationally renowned Christian singer.

“I had always struggled with this truth about myself, but I had never dared to act upon it until I met my now wife because I thought I couldn’t be Christian and gay.” This rift between her faith and her sexuality is the reason why she decided to exchange her musical career for one in producing. Keeping in line with the family tradition of remaining in the music business. Even while she was no longer in the spotlight.

**Focusing on God Instead of Cash**

A lot of people know the Luthor name due to her brother. However, their influence in all things Country and Gospel runs deeper than people know. Their label, Luthor Corp Records, is the parent label to a lot of niche labels throughout the country. Those vanity labels started by artists to have more creative freedom? Most likely fall under the Luthor Corp Records umbrella who acts as their larger and more established distributor.

Music has always been in Lena Luthor’s blood, her late father, Lionel Luthor, was an outlaw country singer that shared the stage with Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson. She chose a different path after her father’s illness. “I know that a lot of people thought I’d go into Country music, just like daddy, but I…” Lena dabs at a couple of stray tears. Years later her father is still a touchy subject, one that she’s brought up in interviews only a handful of times. Showing that she is ready to be completely transparent about everything. “I just couldn’t bring myself to do it…”

“Why Christian music then?” She smiles at the question, taking a minute to compose herself as she takes a bite from the sticky bun that has mostly remained untouched, until now. “It reminds me of him… of Sunday mornings, driving down dusty roads in his Impala, as he got us lost in his attempt to avoid traffic with a new shortcut he heard from a friend. Mama hated that we were always late to mass. Even when we left an hour early… I feel close not just to God when I sing, but to my father. I feel like I’m flying the same way I did when he would hit the gas when he spotted a pot hole, instead of slowing down.”

**Struggling with Her Faith**

In a familiar struggle to most gay people that have God in their hearts, it’s hard to reconcile both their faith and their sexuality. Lena Luthor is no stranger to this. She describes it as “…a constant feeling of being broken. And I didn’t understand for the longest time why there was this one part of me that refused to be fixed through prayer.”

“I was only able to make peace with myself and stop being so fearful and defensive thanks to the kindness of my wife and the patience of my therapist.” She laughs at that last part. I’m unsure whether to include it in this article or not, until she clarifies that it’s important that others see that real healing doesn’t happen on its own. “You have to first find the courage to live authentically. Then you have to find ways to mend. And therapy was a big one for me. Before my songs were my therapy. But after I had quit the industry, I couldn’t even pick up a guitar. I had to face everything in a neutral environment.”

“After months of therapy, something changed. Well, not something, it was months of grueling work and lots of crying sessions… but for the sake of a good story, let’s say something just changed.” She jokes before continuing. “While I was seeing family down in Nashville and I went into the theology library, down at my alma mater.”

“The whole day I got lost reading about how Christian interpretations of the Bible have shifted over time. About the different translations made by men and how culture even shaped the different versions of the Bible we still study today. I thought about Exodus 20 and Romans 1:25 and how these talk about idolatry. And I realized that if we say with certainty what God meant when it comes to things, such as homosexuality, we might be making God into our own image and thus fall into the trap of worshiping false idols.”

It’s a powerful statement, but one that feels apt for a woman that concludes that “faith is about being comfortable with being uncomfortable. Because we can never, ever, fully understand God. We must surrender to his greater plan. We have to trust his infinite knowledge.”

**Behind the Music Instead of In Front**

After that revelation, Lena was able to pick up a guitar again. Instead of wanting to sing her own songs, she decided to write and produce for a friend. “I didn’t want to feel like a hypocrite. I couldn’t sing my own songs openly, but I could still write about being in love with a woman. So, I helped a friend [ _Jack Spheer of_ “ _Truth be Told” fame_ ] with a couple of tracks and suddenly we went number 1.” She shrugs her shoulders, as if it were no big deal to dominate the charts.

Once her peers saw that she was able to generate Country music hits, even with her “Jesus music” fame, she garnered a following of loyal collaborators and friends.

“Was it hard, hiding your big secret from them?” I ask, wanting some clarification as to why she was publicly coming out now. “No. It wasn’t hard because I stopped living in shame. Once I embraced my truth, I started being honest with those around me. Honestly, I’m shocked you hadn’t heard about me being gay before this interview Mr. Kent. It’s the worst kept secret in Nashville.” She laughs good naturedly.

“If you can live openly in Nashville, why settle down in National City?” Finally, the question some broken hearted fans have been meaning to ask. Why did Lena Luthor abandon her Nashville roots? The answer is surprisingly simple. “We got hitched before Prop 8 got overturned in November of ’04. Got married in July in a court house ceremony with just our family… the problem was that just cause we were legally married in California didn’t mean we were recognized as a couple in Tennessee. My wife’s family was already here, so we decided to buy a house and stay.”

**The Future**

Today, Lena says that going back into the spotlight isn’t her priority. “I have a new appreciation for the little things in life. Most of which I share with my wife and kids.” Her kids are twin boys who just turned 3. “They’re just neat little people who love playing their instruments along to my guitar… my wife’s sister keeps gifting us anything that makes noise. They just got drum kits and although I wish I could strangle her most of the time, I wouldn’t trade these moments with them for a minute of silence. A noisy home means we have a happy home… or at least that’s what my wife says.”


	2. Take Me Back To The Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena deals with the loss of her father and the guilt that comes with knowing that this was God’s punishment for having unnatural desires.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be prepared for some self-loathing angst.

 

**“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” - _Matthew 5:4_**

 

//

 

Lena remembers a time before hospitals.

A time before death and uncertainty loomed over them.

Now all she thinks about is how thick this feeling of dread is. Like smoke it soaks into their clothes, making everything heavy.

For Lena, the weight is worse.

It sinks down all the way to her bones.

She needs to cleanse herself from that twisted feeling of guilt that settles deeper inside her. Biting her lip, she scrubs harder. The water is so hot her skin is puffy and red, but she doesn’t feel it. Doesn’t feel clean enough. The only thing she feels is anger at herself because it’s not enough. Nothing is ever enough.

“Lena, honey, are you okay?” Her mother interrupts with quiet concern.

“I’ll be right out.” She answers hoarsely.

Her hands are wet and slippery as she holds onto the sink. Trying to will herself not to cry again. It starts with a small breath. And then a deeper one. She keeps reminding herself to ‘just keep breathing’ until she’s calm enough to look at herself in the mirror.

Her hair is greasy, having gone unwashed for several days. Her eyes seem hollow, with deep purple rings beneath them. She doesn’t seem like herself and she wonders if this might be a sign that today is different.

Lena sighs as she closes her eyes. Hoping that her special prayer would work. That the magic of her talking to Jesus in her moment of need would stick, even if it hadn’t worked since the first time she uttered it at seven years old.

Maybe, if it worked, God would forgive her for being so full of sin and take it all back. He would make it so her dad’s illness would go from “we’re lucky we caught it in time” to “I’m sorry Mr. Luthor, you’ve stopped responding to treatment” to “you’ve made a miraculous recovery.”

She thinks of the words repeatedly, mouthing them but too afraid to say anything aloud.

Even with the privacy she has.

When her eyes open again, she doesn’t feel any different and she wants to cry because she would do anything to change herself.

To take it all back.

Her mother checks on her again and Lena feels all hope disappear.

She can’t untangle the knots inside her.

She can’t change.

She wonders if this is an old testament type of moment for God. Choosing to punish her when she needs a God that is full of love and forgiveness.

She swallows that anger and guilt at doubting God’s plan and puts everything in a little box. Shoving it deep inside herself. Next to that ugly truth that refuses to change or be erased. That continues to cause her so much pain.

Lena wipes at her eyes. Not wanting her family to hate her for something she’s tried to fix through prayer already. It’s stubborn and refuses to change. An immutable truth about her that Lena knows if she tries hard enough she could convince herself she’s never seen it before. That she can be happy being somebody else. Something else… Lena sighs and in the silence of the bathroom the echoes of the machines that keep her father alive can be heard. She wants to be honest with him, before he goes.

She can’t find the courage to say those words to him.

After months of building it up in her head, she knows that it’s not the right moment for this type of confession.

Worse of all is that it might never be time.

With how their life has gone from being measured by that endless feeling of summer nights that bleed into each other. Only told apart by the songs they play on the radio. Life is now measured by good days and bad ones. Time was set to the beeping of machines instead of pouring rain hitting the roof of their car on the drive to church.

She can’t take a good day from them. Not when everyone stopped singing.

Although she doesn’t find comfort in knowing she can’t change, when she goes back into the room Lena forces a smile on her face and sits down next to her daddy’s bed.

 

 

//

 

Lionel’s hands are now thinner than her mother’s. He’s sunken in on himself and can only drink water from the ice they run over his cracked lips.

 

 

//

 

Lena recalls a time when he seemed so much bigger than life.

 

His broad shoulders would cut into the light that shone from the doorway of her room. His large, calloused hands made her feel so safe when he shook her awake. Only a couple of hours after she’d fallen asleep because he had just driven into town.

Lillian hated that he would come back from his tours, buzzing with a contagious energy and excitement about being back, and instead of falling asleep he would wake everyone up. Lena and Lex would be running around the house, shrieking and overflowing with joy because their daddy was back, and his arms were full of presents.

Something from every city they stopped at.

Although they all felt the tension between them, it never lasted long.

Lionel had this way of disarming her that never failed. He would wink at them and start singing.

“ _My bills are all due and the babies need shoes but I'm busted  
Cotton is down to a quarter a pound and I'm busted_”

It was his way of apologizing. Of admitting that he was busted and didn’t mind begging for forgiveness.

He would sing until their mom laughed and he would whoop and holler as he threw his hat in the air. Grabbing his wife by the hips, spinning her around and kissing her until she giggled and batted him away. Tears of happiness in her eyes.

Lena thought it was the most romantic thing in the world.

To have someone be mad one moment and have it all melt into joy with one song and a kiss.

It was like a real life musical.

Except, the whole family would go into the living room and start playing songs well into the morning. Singing about how happy they were to be together. Communicating through songs in a way that would stay with Lena forever.

Her family would make beautiful memories out of the most ordinary days.

 

 

//

 

Sometimes, when they were alone and the nurses pretended to go on break, Lena would sing to him.

 

In the beginning, he would join her. They would sneak upstairs to give private concerts to crowds of kids too sick to be moved. Lena would bring her ’62 Gibson Hummingbird and they would make the rounds, taking requests and learning new songs on the fly. Anything to get those kids to smile.

 

It remined Lena of being a kid herself and having pickin’ parties with her parents.

 

It was another way her family made music together.

On Saturday nights her parents hosted all their friends for their weekly pickin’ parties. There would be instruments scattered around the living room and adults would trickle in with food and drinks, sit down, grab an instrument and have a good time.

While the other girls were busy playing dolls or following her brother around, who had always been a charismatic leader, even as a child. Lena was happy to be among the adults. Only interested in that smoke-filled room where everyone would communicate through music and laughter.

 

The first time Lena was asked to join she belted out “Stand By Your Man.” She was around six years old, and it was the first solo she’d ever sung. Her dad played the guitar while she took the piano.

Having started lessons two years earlier.

She loved the piano because her fingers just seemed to know where to go.

Lena sung that Tammy Wynette song with as much feeling as she could put into when she couldn’t really understand the conviction behind forgiving a fallible man during bad times and the good.

 

That was the day she knew she wanted to be a singer.

 

//

 

Now she was the only one that would sing.

 

Even when it was too painful and she broke down crying halfway through the songs, she would push through. She wanted her daddy to be comforted by the fact that she was still there, with a song in her heart and her hand on his.

 

Her mother would sometimes join her when her father used to be awake and he would smile in that special way that made his eyes sparkle with mischief. When they would sneak off, he would sing that same song that meant he was sorry and that he loved her.

 

“ _My bills are all due and the babies need shoes but I'm busted  
Cotton is down to a quarter a pound and I'm busted_”

 

Lillian pretended to be mad, just for show, and as the song went on, she would shake her head, laugh and tell him that she wouldn’t forgive him that easily. No matter how sorry he looked. Lionel would keep singing and her mom would laugh through her tears and kiss him before the song was over. Wondering why she fell in love with some no-good rascal.

 

//

 

Once he stopped being able to leave the bed and his voice had gone, it seemed that the part of her mother that used to smile had left with him.

 

During his last couple of months, she seemed to be hollowed out.

All of the things that made Lillian her mother; that outwardly strict but just as soft as her father attitude, or the ever present amusement in her eyes even when she was trying so hard not to laugh at their antics, all of the animated gestures and soft smiles, they were all scooped out of her.

Leaving a sad shell behind.

 

They were all sad.

 

//

 

The thing the doctors don’t prepare you when they talk about making final arrangements is that dying takes a long time.

All those movies Lena had seen, the TV shows, they had shown her that people died soon after the machines were disconnected.

 

It took her father almost two days to die.

 

When it happened, they were exhausted and unprepared to let him go.

Having spent all night keeping vigil. Sleeping one or two hours at most. They kept hearing him gasp for air and his eyes would open, searching for something. They would try to comfort him, to tell him that they were all there, but he seemed so lost and confused. Like he couldn’t understand what was happening and trying to fight to stay alive with shallow breaths.

Even when they increased his morphine, he seemed to be drowning, with the way he couldn’t draw enough air.

 

Lena must have sung the same song about seven times, like a broken jukebox, until a flash of recognition seemed to hit him as he heard the words he would always sing to her mother and he finished gasping out before finally letting go.

 

//

 

His funeral is held on a sunny day.

Lena wants to be mad at God for not making it rain. She wants to be mad at cancer for taking her daddy away. She wants to be mad at her mother for no longer smiling. Lena wants to be mad at her brother for not spending any time at home anymore.

She wants to be mad but all she feels is sad and lost.

 

Although it’s unconventional not to sing at least one gospel song, she sings some of his favorite songs before his service beings. All his friends, singers just as famous as he was, are in their Sunday best. Red eyes and shiny boots. Their hats are in their hands while they sit through the service.

 

It’s not planned, but when they lower his body, Lena sings “Busted” for him, one last time.

 

It’s the last time she feels like singing.

 

//

 

Lena doesn’t stop singing.

 

She can’t.

 

Music had become a part of who she was. It was just as much a part of her body as her eyes and ears. She had been an odd kid from the start, preferring to perfect her piano drills in lieu of playing with kids her age. Lena would breeze through her schoolwork just so she could get more time in front of the piano.

As she grew up, she learned how to play guitar, accordion, fiddle, cello, ukulele after a trip to Hawaii and even the xylophone after picking up a kid’s toy and realizing she loved the chiming noises it made.

Lex was musical, but the word prodigy wasn’t thrown around the way it was so easily tossed her way. In fact, their music teachers often thought he was lazy when he found it difficult to read music and play the piano. The only instrument he could understand and come alive with was the drums. It was like his body finally understood the music, even when his eyes didn’t.

It took years for them to figure out what was wrong with him. Dyslexia was often confused with not trying hard enough back then. Even with all their money, her brother was dismissed for being lazy and unmotivated. Told that he could be brilliant if he applied himself. But never seeming to reach his full potential.

It began a competitive rift between them that would turn into a chasm when Lena would continue to do well academically and musically while he was relegated to handling the family business with Lillian only after Lena expressed disinterest in it.

 

Lex resented how easily everything came to her because she seemed to not want anything he fought so hard to be given. Meanwhile Lena was drowning in her own self-loathing, too blind to see that both of them were hurting and unable to reach out to each other.

 

//

 

Lena used to fantasize about how different her life would be if she had reached out to her brother before she graduated High School and her career started taking off. She used to cry about it, devastated at how her guilt and self-loathing had robbed her of so much time with her family.

They had been close but there had always been this wall between them. Lena was desperate to hide her authentic self from them. For fear of being rejected the way she rejected herself. That made it harder to let them in. Instead she fed them crumbs and pretended her laughter was real. That she wasn’t having panic attacks before she went on stage to sing about God’s forgiveness.

 

//

 

The first time it happened, she thought she was dying.

She was nauseous and her heart was beating out of control. Lena had been fine during the sound check, but she felt dizzy all of a sudden and her hands felt numb, even while they were shaking. Lena pushed through it, thinking that even if it broke her, she would sing because there were hundreds of people that wanted to worship through her music, to feel God work through her, and she couldn’t disappoint them.

 

When it happened again, Lena thought it was God’s punishment for her being gay.

He had struck down her father because she hadn’t been healed through prayer when she was 12 and spent the summer at a Christian summer camp. And he would strike her down too for lying to all those nice people that only tried to help her. For continuing to lie because her heart still carried those unnatural desires.

Lena prayed several times a day to be made not gay. She prayed to be made right again. To be a good Christian and a good person that was worthy of being loved. Of being fixed. She had gone through her life trying to make up for the fact that she had been born so fundamentally wrong and different that she would never be normal. She would settle for being forgiven. She would leave behind all her God given talents if it allowed her to be not gay.

 

Her panic attack continued and all she could think about was how God had judged her to be lacking. To still have those unnatural desires within her heart and she deserved to be struck down for not praying hard enough to be fixed.

 

She wondered if she was cursed because she had cried and was afraid of the deliverance ministry she had initially asked for during camp. It was the only time she admitted to a group of people that she might have a disease. That she could be suffering from SSAD. A clinical term she had heard tossed around by adults around her when a man from their congregation was seen as being too interested in keeping himself clean or a woman wore pants two days in a row.

The camp counselor, a man she had begun to think of as a father figure with how close they had become for the past couple of weeks, grew excited at being able to form a true deliverance ministry. One for something that mattered. Dismissing the very real problems that the other teenagers and adults that had come to address and spending two whole days and nights, with reinforcements bussed in from nearby churches, to remove the demons that had taken control of her body. The ones that gave her homosexual inclinations.

 

Lena was shaking at the end of the deliverance. She cried and pretended to be healed. Saying that prayer worked, even as her stomach felt uneasy with the lie.

 

A lie that had caught up with her again.

Except this time, instead of taking another loved one from her, God was going to strike her down. She knew she was dying. She couldn’t breathe, just the way her daddy couldn’t breathe during his last days. It was so cold, even though she was sweating her make up off.

There was a knock on her door and her vision kept going from black to a narrow tunnel.

“Fifteen minutes Miss Luthor.”

She must have said something coherent because the stage manager left.

After several hours of being stuck in that feeling between dying and going crazy, the stage manager came into view.

At first, Lena couldn’t understand what she was saying. It was all garbled up, like she was underwater. Then, she felt her hand resting on top of the other woman’s chest. Up and down.

Breathing in and out.

“Okay, that’s good, you’re doing great Lena. Just keep breathing. Okay, good, now I want you to take a deep breath. Hold it. One… Two… Three… Four. Okay let go. Now I want you to take another deep breath for four seconds again. Do it with me. Yeah, you got it.”

Lena smiled weakly. Sweat pooling uncomfortably beneath her shirt.

“Great, you’re doing so well. Now, why don’t you help me out, I was always a bit of a jock in school, so I may not know all my states and capitals, but I heard from a little birdie that you, like graduated high school when you were 14 and just graduated from college.”

Lena shook, her vision was no longer fading in and out. But now it was like she was stuck in a tunnel. She wonders if she nodded or laughed, because the stage manager continued to talk. Exuding a sort of warmth excitement that Lena felt deep in her bones.

“Great. Now, I think it was Idaho, Boise. Atlanta, Georgia. Tallahassee, Florida. Phoenix, Arizona…”

They went through the fifty states twice before Lena remembered how to breathe properly again.

 

“Than—thank you.” She said hoarsely. Exhausted but relieved that she had been saved.

That she was still alive.

“No problem… I don’t know if you remember me from last year, but I’m Kara. Kara Danvers.”

Lena hesitated. Her hand was still on Kara’s chest, right above her heart and she didn’t know how to tell her that she could hardly remember last year’s festival because they all kind of blended into each other. Her label had wanted to capitalize on the fact that she was blowing up the charts and refused to let her sleep anywhere else besides her tour bus as they drove from one church to the next.

Kara must have sensed her hesitation and laughed.

“I guess you don’t… but that’s okay. I remember you… I remember you enough for the both of us.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nothing like meeting a cute girl for the second time while having a panic attack about being gay to help remind you that your gay ass can’t pray the gay away but you can apparently pray a gay your way.


	3. Re-Arrange the Chemistry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena found the love she had always dreamed about but she’s not gay. She wonders if she can keep repeating that until it’s real.

 

 

**“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” - _Corinthians 13:13_**

//

 

Lena wanted to ask how much longer she had before she was needed on stage, already thinking about how she could fix her appearance, maybe change into a different shirt before she performed. Already used to putting on a show when she felt like laying in bed all day and crying from how tired she was.

It was the second year she was forced to move at a breakneck pace. Lena hadn’t remembered Kara because her label insisted that she had to tour continuously to make up for the time she lost while in college.

Lena had asked for a break after her first big tour, exhausted from having to balance her double majors in Music and Business along with her minor in Religious Studies on top of never-ending summer tours as a way to build up her fan base. It only got worse once she landed a big hit on the radio.

Her friend and manager, Siobhan Smythe, had promised that she would get a break as soon as she graduated. That she would be allowed some much needed down time to recharge and maybe even visit her family.

It was one year later, and they had just returned from her overseas portion of the tour without stopping to rest in between her new album release and her next tour.

 

There had been no break.

 

She had recorded most of the follow-up album on the road. In cramped busses and borrowed dressing rooms. Trying to release the fourth out of the five she was obligated to deliver before her contract was up for renegotiation as soon as she could.

Lena had written a few songs for her last album. They were incomplete and forgotten on her laptop. She had been telling Siobhan, telling her producers, telling the label heads that she needed a break. But she was their only big act and without her to prop up other artists that hadn’t scored as many hits or earned as many Doves as her, they dragged their feet on letting her turn in that final album. Instead, opting to push her for one more performance. Which turned into another. And then another. Until she was still touring with no end in sight. No end to the tour meant that she couldn’t sit down at the studio and submit the last album.

 

At the end of every night she would crash into her bunk. Drained from the meet and greets after her concerts and from the small groups of worship she was asked to lead after they all worshiped God through her music.

 

//

 

Years later is was obvious that her panic attacks were exacerbated by her exhaustion, the stress of hiding her true self, and her inability to say no to people she thought were her friends and wanted so desperately to please.

All because Lena didn’t want to be blacklisted in the industry for “being difficult.”

If you were seen as difficult then people would scrutinize you. They would want to understand why you were acting out and that meant that she would be looked at. Lena needed to fly under the radar, knowing that if they stared too long, they would know. She was terrified of them just seeing whatever it was about her that made her gay and instantly know that she didn’t belong there.

 

//

 

She sighed and braced herself to go through the motions once again.

 

Kara took one look at her and ran out. Lena was disappointed but relieved. She was used to being alone. To solving things on her own. This was another thing she had to solve. Without a minute to spare her body went on autopilot.

 

She was still in the process of wiping the sweat off her torso with her old shirt when she heard what sounded like a fight happening outside her door and then someone slammed into it. Her heart beat faster as she covered herself up with the shirt. The doorknob didn’t rattle. Instead she heard shouting that only seemed to intensify in volume. Lena knew it was wrong to spy on people, but she recognized Siobhan’s impatient tone and that always spelled out trouble for everyone involved. She threw the old shirt on top of her travel case and walked towards the door as she buttoned her new one.

 

“I don’t care if you want her out there. I already told the crew to replace her set with Worship and Serve’s set. As far as my team is concerned, she had technical difficulties with her mic pack and because she’s one of the main acts, it needs to be perfect. Which is going to take me a while because I grabbed all the mic packs and I frankly don’t even know which ones have any juice and which ones don’t... so you either go back and tell your people that they have to re-arrange her schedule or I will lock you in one of our storage rooms that has lots of spiders until tomorrow morning.”

Siobhan’s voice took a low and dangerous quality which Lena struggled to make out.

“No way. I’m not moving. I gave you a choice: change her schedule for like an hour or change it for the whole night where we have to form a search party to find you and that won’t happen until morning. Trust me.”

The door rattled again and a hurt “owww” followed before Siobhan spoke loud enough to be heard over the heavy wood.

“Listen you overgrown guard dog if you don’t move, I will march up to your boss and make sure you never work for this or any of the churches we play at again.”

The door creaked and Lena bit her lip. Knowing how hard it was to say no to her friend.

“ _You can do this_.” Lena thought to herself. Psyching herself up for another performance where she smiled through her doubts and exhaustion.

“Go ahead, tell my dad that I’m being difficult. See how seriously he takes you.” Kara answered.

 

Lena didn’t know if Siobhan said anything. The only answer she heard was the heavy footsteps echoing away from the door.

 

 

//

 

Lena knows that it’s that moment when she fell in love with Kara.

Everyone found it easy to love Kara.

She was a ray of sunshine, a bit goofy, unwaveringly kind and loyal to a fault. But Lena fell in love with her because she saw how protective she was of people that needed help. Kara knew that Lena was not okay and instead of treating her like a commodity or using her weakness to advance her own career and good standing with Siobhan and the label, she held firm.

Siobhan was given the choice to wait an hour or a whole night.

Kara didn’t buckle and she didn’t cancel the show.

She delayed it.

Lena was in control of what she wanted to do. She could perform or pretend that due to Kara’s incompetence she would be unable to perform.

It was nice. To be protected by Kara. To have an instant ally and a friend when she needed them the most.

She pretends that it took a couple of months into their friendship to fall in love. To feel that fluttering in her stomach and a too fast heart in her chest. But this and what happened afterwards resonated so deep with her that it derailed her whole career.

 

//

 

There was a knock on her door.

“Miss Luthor… umm… I got you some water and I know you need a minute to recover but I could use your help with that faulty mic pack… when you have the time.”

Lena didn’t feel like opening the door but felt she owed it to the other girl to at least see what she needed from her.

Kara looked her over, making sure she was all right, before smiling at her.

“Okay, come on.” She smiled and walked away slowly. Knowing that Lena would follow.

They walked through the dark corridors that made up the backstage portion of the venue and quickly moved towards a metal staircase. At the top, Kara held the door open for her.

The view took Lena’s breath away. The city near them was awash in pinks and blues as the sun was setting.

Everything was vibrant and alive.

Kara walked until she was close to Lena but not crowding her. Then she began to speak.

“I’m sorry… I know you could have handled yourself back there and I had no right to be a jerk to your manager but I’ve had panic attacks… back when I was in middle school… and it’s hard to say no to people when you’re feeling drained… so I thought it was okay to do that… just this once.”

She handed Lena a water bottle and kept looking to towards the setting sun.

“Now you have a choice, you can take some time and do the show after this set… or do it after the next act… or you can just say you’re not ready and go home… I take full responsibility for this.”

Lena bit her lip. Unsure of what she really wanted. “Won’t… won’t your dad be mad at you though?” She asked.

Kara laughed and shook her head. Her whole face broke into a red blush, highlighted by the colors of the sky. “Ummm… I may have told your manager a bit of a lie… my dad died when I was in middle school… it’s what triggered my panic attacks, actually…”

Lena spit water down her mouth in shock. “What?! Then who’s your boss? Won’t you get fired for screwing up?”

Kara shrugged before answering. “I’m fired either way. Might as well go guns blazing or whatever.”

“I’m sorry you lost your job over me being a baby.”

There was a crinkle that formed in between Kara’s eyebrows as she frowned. “Don’t do that. Don’t dismiss a very scary thing that happened to you just because of me. I got myself fired because your manager is a jerk and a bully and what she did wasn’t cool. I can earn money for college some other way… summer hasn’t even started yet, so I have time.”

“Or… you could come work for me… I… I need a personal assistant that doesn’t mind being on the road for however long the rest of my tour is.” When Kara seemed unsure, Lena backed off, pretending to give up, before she went in for the kill. A strategy she learned from her daddy.

“Here, let me jot down my number in case you happen to know someone that wouldn’t mind making 675 a week for—” She couldn’t finish her sentence before she was engulfed in a strong hug. “Oh my god for that much money I’ll get myself hired and fired again from this job.”

 

 

 

//

 

Siobhan is fuming when she finds out Lena hired a personal assistant.

It’s not the start of their rift, but it does make it unbearable until it reaches a breaking point.

One that doesn’t last through the summer. In fact, her label, Siobhan and Lena are fighting so much over the phone that they fly them both into their headquarters to discuss things.

The decision had been made to part ways before she even landed.

Something Lena knew would happen, but it took Siobhan completely by surprise. Always used to be the most underhanded person in the room, she had no idea that once she stopped being able to wrangle Lena into their terms, she had outgrown her usefulness to them.

They were told that the label would be releasing a compilation album of her greatest hits, live tracks on the second disc, and would cancel all future tours.

She was so happy to be free that it didn’t hit her, until she got home, how terrible it had been. The whole thing had been an ambush and the only true friend she had left in the industry, her best friend, had shown her that even when her music is about spreading God’s love, she was still considered part of a business. Her band was stranded somewhere in another state, not knowing that they were out of jobs and worst of all, Kara would no longer have a reason to hang out with her every day.

Lena called Kara, crying and trying to explain what happened earlier.

It’s all a mess and it’s her fault.

 

//

//

 

**_“So every good tree bears good fruit, but the bad tree bears bad fruit._ **

**_A good tree cannot produce bad fruit, nor can a bad tree produce good fruit._ **

**_So then, you will know them by their fruits.” – Matthew 7:17,18,20_ **

//

//

 

 

Kara doesn’t blame her for what happened.

Instead they grow closer as she tells her that they’re going to be roomies for the rest of the summer. Lena feels like she’s taking advantage of the one person in the world that still likes her, but Kara reassures her that she’s the one taking advantage of her because without Lena, she’d be homeless for the summer. Having subleased her apartment as part of the tour preparations. She reassures Lena that she can work for free until they find a new label. Not understanding that Lena could afford to pay her even without the label’s money. Her family was well off due to her father’s hard work that turned into Lillian and Lex’s hard work after she couldn’t stand to be in the same office as the one that held so many memories of her daddy.

On top of that, Lena was ashamed at how she had always been framed as the smart one, but she had failed to see how her friend was not her friend. She failed without her family’s name and influence to protect her from people that tried to take advantage of her. She was probably better off working behind a desk and not in front of a microphone, just like her brother.

 

It was just as she feared, the day her daddy died, she was the problem.

She was gay and she was wrong.

Lena was bad fruit.

This is why people around her kept getting hurt.

She had bought into the lie of being a false prophet and this is what she gets. She always thought she was good enough when she heard people thank her for her music and for bringing faith into their hearts through her songs. Not understanding that they were wrong to think they could benefit from the good fruit in her life because she was living proof that there was no good in her life anymore.

All due to her being gay.

She had tried so hard to push it down. To hide it. To kiss boys and pretend it was just like her friends described. But she knew it turned her into a bigger liar because at the end of the day, she was still gay. There was something deeply wrong with her that even God couldn’t fix.

It was why she had to run away from her family as soon as she could. She claimed she wanted independence from them. Instead Lena needed to keep the only family she had left safe from herself.

Even if she had never acted on her attraction to other women, she was still responsible for all the horrible things that happened around her because she couldn’t just stop being gay.

 

//

 

The confusion begins after Kara has been living with her for a month.

It seems like they spend every waking minute together. Recording new music in her living room. Mixing the tracks and making a million calls. All side by side. Kara brings her food when she forgets to eat and they go take meetings during the days when they can bring some sample tracks to potential new labels.

At night they curl up together on her couch. Watching rented movies and sipping on wine.

 

One of those nights is when it happens.

 

Kara is making her laugh so hard that the wine she’s holding sloshes out of her glass and onto her hands. Kara dries her hands with a paper towel that seems to fall apart as it soaks up the red liquid because all Lena can feel is those warm hands holding hers. She looks down, blushes at the thought of them possibly being together _that way_ and when she looks up at Kara, there’s something there she can’t name.

Before she even tries, Kara leans forward and kisses her.

Lena likes it… a lot… so much that she doesn’t stop the kiss right away. Not until she can’t breathe. Then Kara is apologizing and telling her that she’s sorry and that they can pretend that it never happened.

The thing is, Lena can’t pretend. She really liked it. When she closed her eyes to get a hold of herself, all she could think about was how nice it felt to have Kara’s soft lips against hers. How it drove her crazy to have Kara cuddled up against her on the couch every night and not be able to turn her head slightly and do exactly what she had done.

She was a coward.

She was weak and a coward and she should say yes. That they should go back to being friends but all she can think about is Kara. How she feels so alive with her. So, she pulls Kara’s face into her own and kisses her.

Her whole body is tingling. Her heartbeat is so loud she’s sure that Kara can hear it.

Lena had been with boys before, in similar situations. She had always found it so easy to stop. To tell them no. Lena pretended that she was a good girl with restraint. That she wore a purity ring because she believed in saving herself for marriage instead of the truth. That it was easy to reject their advances, to not go further, because she didn’t feel anything. It was a performance she put up with for the sake of not being found out. For the sake of trying to convince herself that she was normal.

Now, with Kara, it was so different. Her breathing was heavy, and she couldn’t pull Kara close enough. It feels like she’s about to explode. She needs all of Kara and they’re both moaning, and it seems like they’re moving so fast and yet they’re still wearing all their clothes.

Her first orgasm hits her unexpectedly. She’s too turned on to feel embarrassed by that. Especially after Kara shakes above her before falling still for a moment. They both open their eyes and just take it all in. Eyes wide and their faces inches from each other.

“I’m scared.” Lena admits, even as she leans in for another kiss.

“I’m scared too… but… but I can’t stop thinking about you.” Kara whispers her confession against Lena’s neck.

“I think about you all the time too.” Lena admits, with tears in her eyes. Kara stops, looks at her with such fondness that it makes her feel strong and leans in for another kiss.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” Kara reassures her and the tears fall because Lena believes her.

Lena doesn’t know how it happens, they were reassuring each other one moment and the next they’re both naked on her couch, exploring each other. It feels like a fantasy, where her heart is cracked wide open and she’s so raw and everything is too much because she waited too long to touch and to be touched like this. But it also feels like it was worth the wait because it’s new and so perfect that she finally feels whole.

 

//

 

They fall asleep on the couch for a few hours and Lena wakes up feeling conflicted. She’s disappointed at herself for having been unable to leave her homosexuality behind. For not stopping herself from acting on it like she promised herself she would.

She also feels elated. Even though she wasn’t fixed, it was like her heart was finally singing. Kissing Kara, being with her the way they were together last night was such a transcendent experience that she wonders if everyone will be able to tell now.

That thought sends her into a downward spiral.

Lena rushes into her bathroom. Feeling sick but not sick enough to throw up. She takes in deep breaths and starts naming states and their capitals, just the way she does it when Kara stops her panic attacks and the thought of Kara leaves her feeling cold all over. She looks up and stares at herself in the mirror. Lena tries to see if she’s as different on the outside as she feels inside. She doesn’t look different, but she knows she’s not the same. She will never be the same.

The shower is hot, and she cries on the floor until the water runs cold.

For some reason, Lena can’t stop crying because she’s never going to be the same and this means that everyone will be able to tell as soon as they see her. She can’t fool the anymore. They will know that she’s gay.

She keeps crying as gets dressed. She goes into the garage and drives off before Kara can get up. Wandering aimlessly through the city. Getting stuck in morning rush hour and then the after-lunch rush. Lena knows she shouldn’t drive in the state she’s in but she doesn’t know where else to go because Kara knows her too well and she’s afraid of being found.

 

Lena holds it together as she gets gas and a Gatorade. She doesn’t feel like eating but knows that she has to put something in herself after being all cried out.

 

Once she’s back in her car and on another endless loop of the city she pulls over the side of the road to cry. Several good Samaritans stop to try to help her change a flat tire she doesn’t have or try to diagnose her car to help her out. Not understanding that it’s her heart that’s all wrong. Some even stay for a bit and tell her that he’s just not worth it. Not knowing how wrong they are. Because Kara is worth this and so much more and it scares it because she can’t have her, but she can’t tell her no.

 

She gets back home late. Ashamed of herself because it wasn’t just her world that changed over the past couple of hours. Kara had done this with her too and she had been too scared to even take her cell phone. Knowing that if she saw her number on the screen, she would flip it open and come rushing back home to her.

 

Lena doesn’t even get to pull into the garage before Kara is running towards her. Luckily, she hits the breaks instead of the gas and manages to put the car in park before her door is thrown open and she’s being held. “I’m so glad you’re safe.” Is all Kara says before she takes another look at her. Hugging her again to reassure herself that it’s really Lena and then she lets her park the car.

The door closes and soon the automatic light turns off. It’s pitch black and for the first time, Lena doesn’t feel like she’s on the verge of a panic attack by the unknown. She feels lucky, it’s easier to lie when it’s dark and Kara can’t fully see her.

“I’m not gay, Kara. The other night was a mistake… I don’t want to lose you as a friend but what happened the other night can’t ever happen again.”

Lena bites her lip. Wishing now that some light could sneak into this place so that she could see what Kara was thinking. She was so quiet. It was so unlike Kara who seemed to even talk in her sleep. Lena reached out, wanting to go inside, but she accidentally touched Kara and it seemed to be all she needed to suck in a breath and Lena could hear how watery it was. She couldn’t bear to hurt Kara so she hugged her tightly. She felt her shirt grow damp at the neck and shoulder and she was glad she had no more tears in her because she was sure she’d break down again.

“Okay, Lena. I’m sorry.”

 

They talked for a bit that night, but not much. They were both exhausted from all the crying.

 

//

 

They continue to work together during the next couple of days, and even though it’s awkward, Lena prays for it to be all right. Prays that they can pretend it was a mistake. Something that would only happen once and then never be revisited again.

 

//

 

The weeks go on, and Lena is unable to stop herself from spending her free time with Kara. Who is gentle and sweet and so very willing to give her all the time and space she needs to get back to being herself again.

Kara is terrible at hiding her emotions. So Lena asks her one day if she had ever done anything like that before. Kara blushes before answering that no, she hadn’t. It made Lena feel better because it could mean that she was still normal. That maybe she wasn’t gay, and it was just an isolated incident. It didn’t mean that she had to continue to act gay. She had built her whole life around repressing how she felt about girls, surely it couldn’t be that hard to continue to do it, right?

For some reason, it made Lena feel better. Knowing that it had been their first kiss with another girl and their first time going further with anyone else.

It should have made it easier to stop. If they had no prior experience of it before, then they should have no trouble quitting. It wasn’t like smoking or something that you could get hooked on.

Except that it was.

At first it was easy to pretend that she didn’t want more.

Until they started acting like before, being close and Lena was vibrating with how much she wanted Kara to lean in and kiss her again. To tell her that she couldn’t stop thinking about her. They weren’t even touching, just sitting near each other, and Lena felt herself be uncomfortably sticky with desire in places she didn’t know she could tingle and feel things. _“God, it had never been this hard to say no to boys.”_ Lena thinks and berates herself for not believing her friends when they said they didn’t know how to stop. How to say no.

 

It’s Lena who initiates their second time.

 

They’re on the couch and there’s some stupid bird documentary on TV. One that Lena had been bothering Kara about for a while, how they should watch it together, and suddenly she can’t think about birds. All she can think about is Kara’s soft lips and her soft skin and how she’s ridiculously strong and how she wants to feel those fingers move in and out of her again when Kara licks the artificial butter from them. Lena bites her lip and groans as Kara is about to wipe them on her shirt. But not for the reason Kara thinks.

“Fine.” She says, resigned as she stands up and goes into the kitchen to loudly wash her hands.

When she sits back down, her hands are damp and she dries them on Lena’s shirt, just to annoy her. That’s when she snaps and tackles Kara into the couch. Desperate and hungry for that same rush she felt before with her.

Her mouth, still shiny from the butter, tastes like salt and popcorn. and Lena is so incredibly turned on. She moans into Kara’s mouth and tells her to take off her shirt. She won’t make the same mistake as last time when she couldn’t even wait to get naked.

 

//

 

Kara goes back to school, but it doesn’t feel like the end. It’s actually easier than living with her because they’re both busy and the weight of having to hide their relationship is no longer pressing down on her the way it was in the summer. When she was so afraid of being found out that she had a panic attack while they were getting groceries.

 

//

 

Things get easier the next summer.

Her new album has just been released and she’s touring again. This time, Siobhan isn’t around, it’s just Kara, their bus driver and her band mates. They’re cramped together on a bus and even though Lena had promised herself that she would never truly act on her homosexual inclinations and has constantly broken that promise ever since Kara came into her life, she’s happy.

Or as happy as she can be while feeling pressured to pretend to be ambivalent about Kara being there. She can’t let anyone in on her little secret. Lena is forced to act friendly but not too friendly with Kara whenever there’s other people around. She’s terrified of people picking up on how unnaturally close they are and starting rumors about it. Or worse, guessing right and telling other people that the reason why her boyfriends didn’t last was because she was gay.

 

Keeping this big secret had always seemed easy. But adding another layer of lies and hiding was proving to be more stressful and scarier than touring relentlessly without a break had been.

Lena found herself pulling away from her bandmates a bit during that tour.

They were amazing people, guys who had seen her at her lowest and still supported her, but they were also unaware of her lies. Lies by omission but lies just the same.

The panic attacks came and went in waves.

They learned to call Kara and leave them alone when it happened. Maybe that’s why it was easier to hide, at first, because Kara was the only one that could help… even if she was also part of the reason why she had to hide.

 

Lena is happy but she’s trapped by her own fear. Fear of being known. Being seen. Being found out as a fraud. Worse, being outed.

So, she hides what she feels in boxes and puts them away deep inside herself. Hoping that if she continues to not think about it, it can go away. Even when her experience has taught her that it’s never worked out for her.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, it gets better! Lena can heal now! Girl gets herself some therapy, stops pretending that you can hug a woman with your legs in friendship and not call it gay and gets gay married.


End file.
